Bat Poop and Tears

Sitting in the coffee shop of melting pot goodness: Starbucks..a much needed diversion. Observing all the people. The professional millionaires sipping on their tall, extra dry cappuccinos. Laptops open with no doubt a handful of lucrative projects in the pipeline. Straight across from me are two perfect, upper-class moms. With perfect blond hair and perfect lip gloss that magically seems to stay on their lips, even after a dozen sips from their grande skinny easy foam vanilla lattes. Louis Vuitton purse nicely displayed on the top table as if to call out to me, "I know you want me, Shandiin. The purse you have right now is really, really lame." I do want you. I want you really bad, LV. To my left is a college student, pouring over notes and filling in the blanks, only to one day find out that the area in which she sacrificed hours of time, sweat and tears had only lead to a financial and regretful tsunami, gushing with resentment and the ever so popular line, "I should have changed my major." This coffee shop of melting pot goodness is always somewhat predictable. And then there's me. Nestled in the corner. Loving the feeling of just fading into the backdrop of humdrum. Sweat pants, sweat shirt, ponytail, glasses, tall black 1/2 caff, mascara no doubt smudged disgustingly beneath my eyes. Oh my beloved mascara. It was not too long ago I learned you were made of bat poop. I must admit, at first I was traumatized, but I quickly snapped out of it after realizing that my face resembles that of a Axolotl without you. For those of you who don't know but would care to, Wikipedia describes an Axolotl as a neotenic salamander and that they are extremely scientific do to their ability to regenerate limbs. Below is the Axolotl...this is definitely how my face looks without my bat pooh.



Talk about sexy! Whohoo, right?! There is no better way to feel beautiful than to apply poop to my face on a daily basis, let alone look like an Axolotl without it!! Anyways, I digress. Mascara smudged slightly beneath my eyes has become extremely common for me these days. And then I got to thinking...Isn't that where mascara is supposed to be after feeling defeat? After feeling depleted. After feeling as though keeping up and doing it well are two concepts that ever increasingly slip from my grasp and in the process taunt me in my clumsy efforts to keep striving, despite the failure? Mascara smudged beneath my eyes tends to happen more often than I would like to admit. Sometimes I notice it when I just so happen to catch a glimpse at my reflection at random times throughout the day. I think it occurs not only when I cry but when i blink my eyes really hard when I'm trying to understand why Lydia is throwing herself on the ground because she wants me to pick up blanky that just so happens to be 3 inches from her grasp. Wait, what?! Or maybe it's when my sweet Violet decides to sneeze right after i feed her a spoonful of yogurt. I tend to close my eyes and blink really hard. Pretend I have this bogus bod and I'm skipping the ocean shore line with my husband. Or wait, maybe it Ryan Gosling. Anyway, I digress...The blinking hard has proven to serve as an organic stress release or something along the lines of "Shandiin, you SO got this! Maintain sanity and avoid becoming the crazy lady featured on the evening news." There might not be a current resolution to this post. No warm fuzzies to tie it all up in a pretty bow...just the reality of bat poop and it's current resting place...disgustingly smudged beneath my eyes. There are seasons of life, and I would like to think I can master this one and learn and grow. But sometimes, the reality is that being stuck in a difficult emotional state of up-hill battles is reality and I need to learn to LIVE in it. Not wish it be gone, not be caught up in the past of what once was or what I WISH would be, but simply what IS. I once read somewhere that, "Without large blocks of silence, solitude and tears, we are in danger of losing the very best things that people desire to draw from us." I pray this time of inward restlessness, in many days of mascara smudged eyes, will one day result in my ability to minister to other women and to serve as an encouragment of knowing that God WAS and IS faithful in the times of loneliness.