Is it just me or does life seem to throw disillusionment our way when we least expect it? I can almost hear the clean, crisp "swoosh" of this reality flying through the air and hitting me smack dab in the middle of my forehead! Disillusionment is no doubt rooted in a bed of failed expectations and improper perceptions. Ha! No wonder why I am always on the batters mound! At first, I'm so eager and ready to face this head on. Ready to prove myself wrong. Ready to show that I have progressed and matured, just a little, when this reality takes over. And instead of being ready to hit this sucker out of the ballpark, I am left swinging and missing. Strike one: detachment and isolation are inevitable.

And this is so true of me. Whenever disillusion comes my way, I am left feeling like one of those meerkats I happened to see not to long ago on the Discovery channel. These little guys stand in the open, so sure of themselves and 'confident', when in fact, even when the slightest disruption takes place in their world, those little creatures go running into their self made holes. I mirror these little guys more than I would like to admit. When I feel this since of let down, I'm overcome by it's implications and immediately retreat inwardly. I loose my sense of desire for community and valued relationships.

Once isolation/detachment has me one step closer to sitting in the dugout, I'm left with my second chance. I'm thinking this throw will be dead center, but a curve ball it is. Strike two: presently absent.

Why is it that living in the present is so stinkin' difficult? Enjoying life in the now has never been something that has come naturally to me. My brain is always so wired to think something better, more revealing/life changing is just around the corner. When our finances line up with that, than I'll be more at rest with this...If my daughter would just learn to listen to me, then I wouldn't be so short-tempered NOW....Or, for example, my spiritual life. As failed expectations chip away at my soul, I'm tempted to think that lessons learned will be in my grasp. That I will embrace the spiritual implication and grow closer to the Lord because of it. Are any of you like this? Have you ever been jazzed (um, yes...I just used that word) about being at that fork in the road, and wanting so badly to prove yourself wrong....Prove to yourself, even God, that you won't go down that same broken path? Instead, choosing to venture down the road that you know the Lord has been working on you FOREVER to follow? But when I'm clouded by the heaviness, I become complacent in the now and often times yield to the thought that next time, I will do better in resting my soul in the Almighty. It's always, next time. In the future. Not now, but maybe later I'll try harder...I'll do better. You feelin' me?!

Ok. Clearly my chances for hitting a home run is almost becoming comical. It's obvious that I'm going to need clear/crisp concentration in order to make contact with this fierce, fast moving reality. So here it comes. Yep. No. Wait. Crap. GRrrrrrrr....Strike Three.

Cynicism. It's a nasty beast. Really it is. It's this little tiny thingy that is really a nothing when you're young, but over the years, it's begins to manifest itself with memories, connections, relationships, desires that ultimately dilute new ones. It's when the heart has allowed cynicism to nestle its way into even the smallest portion, that it's nasty roots take hold and grows. Disillusionment has its way in creating a holding pattern in a Believer's life. It creates complacency and a temptation to retreat.

The more I live this life, the more the Lord is hitting home (no pun intended) the idea of how my brothers and sisters in Christ really are my teammates. When I have been to the batters mound and have struck out, I have the opportunity to go back to the dugout and witness my brothers and sisters hit life's struggles/sin out of the park! I see their triumphs over sin and I have the option of whether or not I want to learn FROM them, become transparent with my own struggles TO them (which, may I add...requires your pride to be in check, something I am often times unwilling to do), and invest my time and life and resources WITH them.

The more I live this life, I am overwhelmed by God's redeeming grace...His gentle and loving patience with this fallen sinner. I am grateful that when I'm not the Church's MVP, I'm precious and deeply loved by the Creator of it all.

These are the honest ramblings of a person who is ready, yet again, to step up to the plate.