Thank You Mr. Insecurity :)

Welcoming insecurity doesn't seem to be something that would naturally compel an individual to view as spiritually healthy. I have always been taught that my identity and significance should always be found in Christ alone. Any other pursuit of trying to cover up or fulfill some void of "not measuring up" is in vain. Ummm....easier said than done, right!?!

It's funny how I always thought I would grow out of my insecurities. In jr. high and high school (where insecurities and awkwardness run rampant) I thought the day would come when I would leave the world of pettiness and enter into an more stabilized atmosphere of comradery and personal enlightenment (my college years). Certainly then I would be able to tackle the monster that is insecurity. But as college life came around, those same personal struggles became an ever present companion yet again. Consequently, I was left desiring that place where the awkward tension of weakness coupled with growth would become less daunting.

I guess I have always understood the necessity of personal/spiritual growth being the result of weakness refined by fire. The weakness of feeling like I'm not enough. What will my response be to these feelings? I have found that fire can have many different levels of heat. Will I come out of it with the ability to fall on Christ when I am forced to set my gaze on the eyes of failure, or become the subject within the mouth of gossiping lips? Will I be pleasing to the Lord and hide myself in Him? It never really goes away...the refining. Oh that I would come out shiny and clean before my Maker! I believe the Lord allows insecurity to mold and shape and disguise itself so as to bring about a beautiful object of growth despite the weakness of even needing that refinement. Although it is an ever present, unwelcomed necessity, this nemesis cannot get the best of me! And I desire for my Lord to be lifted above my desire for security.

As college came to its end, I had great expectations that as I started working in my profession, I would not fall victim to insecurity. This road of refinement would certainly reach it's end. Or so I thought. After becoming more and more disappointed with my inability to rise above these feelings, I became more and more hopeful that my engagement and marriage to my husband would do the trick. For those of you who are married know, personal weaknesses are placed on a petri dish and looked at with a microscope within the confines of holy matrimony. Oh blessed holy matrimony!!!! There is nothing like having all your insecurities exposed. :) But the Lord is slowly teaching me how lovely, necessary and wonderful to have my best friend know my quarks and shortfalls rather than being imprisoned by isolating vulnerability. I use to rebel and protest this inarguably truthful realization. That my heart is so clearly seen by another. I'm learning to embrace the beautiful design of leaning on another for encouragement and strength in light of my ever present insecurities.

Over time, my reactions to this subject of weakness (perhaps sin is a better word) have become more softened and understood by having my man understand (not all the time, but most often than not) me and the challenges that face a womans ache to feel needed, desired, and wanted.

Finally, after having Lydia (certainly the role of motherhood would solidify my worth) insecurities about being a mother and taking on the role has opened, yet again, floodgates of insecurities. The dangerous trap of comparing myself to other mothers and viewing myself in low regard for my failure to "play the part" has been a new refining process that has been painful yet beautiful.

I'm so grateful that the Lord uses EVERYTHING to point to HIS sufficiency. This life isn't about ME. As much as I desire it to be. It is about SERVICE and SELFLESSNESS and GROWTH. It is about focusing on others and desiring the best out of those around me. The more my focus is outward, the less distracted I am by insecurity. As I mentioned from the start, it might seem ungodly to welcome insecurity. However, I am finding that this ever present battle (one that wont completely go away until I'm with my Lord) has become an uncomfortable companion...always leading me to the Cross and allowing me the opportunity to hide myself in HIM...not in the opinions and/or acceptance of this world.

For that, I would like to say thank you Mr. Insecurity. Thanks for pointing out my inability to do this on my own. :)